I’m bad
So, I admit that I’m not the nicest or welcoming person. The world has made me very bitter. I remember once upon a time, I was a bright eyed and optimistic girl that tried to see the best in everyone. This is before I lived in a dormitory. My experience in the Castillian dorms were unlike any I have ever experienced. The beginning was great. I got to meet a bunch of very different people. Of course, everyone was friendly in the beginning. Obviously, they wanted to put out their best sides and I admit that I was one of those people in the beginning. Not to say that I was fake though. It was the same makeup-less, no-pants-wearing, hungry Angela that I am today. I was just super nice. So, with my weird/quirky personality, my tomboyish nature, and my vast closet, of course I was liked. It was awesome. Look at all these new college friends that I made! It was short-lived however because as soon as people start to get comfortable, their true selves come out. My first true taste of this was in fall quarter when I was the last person on the floor to find out that someone had an issue with me. I was taken aback and hurt, unaware that this would be a common occurrence and something that I would have to get used to. Whenever this happened, I would freak the fuck out not because of the (usually menial) issue at hand but the fact that people would talk to just about everyone else before it eventually got to me. I’m not saying you can’t vent to your close friends when you’re having an issue with someone but when it turns into South Castillian gossip, don’t expect a simple resolution. And over and over again I heard the same thing: that I am unapproachable. I found this a funny statement because I was never directly approached about a problem. Usually, people would complain about me to a bunch of people on the floor and when the news still didn’t get through to me, they resorted to telling my best friend because they knew she told me everything. Call me a petty person but when I hear that someone has been complaining about me to everyone but me, I don’t want to fix the problem. As far as they are concerned, if they didn’t state the problem to me directly, I didn’t hear it. Not my issue.
This brings me to my next topic: fakeness. This past year, I have met some of the realest people and some of the fakest people of my life. You really have to be careful about the things you say and to whom you say it to. This is because most people are desperate to be liked and will divulge (usually twisted) information to a “friend”. It is an instant gratification for them. I learned that the ones that were seemingly the nicest in the beginning are the most fucked up ones. It makes perfect sense to me now. People put on a front so they can get as many people to like them as they can. And everyone trusts a nice person therefore, they receive the juiciest gossip and proceed to tell everybody (“I’m not supposed to tell you this BUT…”) Maybe I subconsciously choose bitchy people to be friends with because I feel like I can trust them more. I have met some of the seemingly nicest people that have a sugar sweet demeanor towards me but I later hear that they said some very nasty untrue things about me. One thing that I take a bit of pride in is that when I don’t like someone, I’m certainly not going to say anything rude but I sure as hell am not going to act like I like them. I may or may not say hello but the last thing I want to do is start a conversation with someone I do not care for.
In my life I have heard that I am bitchy, immature, messy, insecure, crazy and irrational. But one description that I have never heard about me started this year. ”She’s not a good person.” Now, I am aware that I have a lot of flaws and I am not the most conscientious person at times but by no means am I a bad person. To write me off like that is baffling to me. Ironically, it is never anyone that I am close to or knows me remotely well that says this about me. Who do you think you are? Are you God? Can you pass that kind of judgement upon me? Are all criminals bad people because of the wrongdoings they have incurred in life? So go ahead and call me a bad person if it helps you sleep at night. How does that make you look as a person by saying a statement like that? (I know your reputation is important to you)
So, yes. I am grateful for my experiences and the people that gave me hell because it showed me how people are in the real world. I am a stronger person (and to many people’s dismay, more confrontational). If it seems like I’ve gotten bitchier, it’s probably because it’s true.
